It is a powerful moment when someone chooses to tell you their story. The following can help you best support a loved one who tells you they have been assaulted.
LISTEN - Actively listen by using your body to show you are listening, making eye contact, nodding and smiling/frowning. Be patient and allow them as much time as they need. Do not be afraid of silence; silent moments can actually be helpful.
BELIEVE - It is not your job to investigate a case. It is your job to be supportive and believe what they are telling you. Statistics tell us that in almost every case, a victim is telling the truth. If you choose not to believe them, they may never tell anyone else out of fear of not being believed and therefore, not receive any services they need. Assure your friend that it is not their fault, no matter what happened.
INFORM - Provide your friend with resources and information. Let them know that most staff, faculty and RAs on UNCW’s campus are mandated to report sexual misconduct, relationship abuse and stalking. Offer to accompany them to speak with confidential staff at the CARE office to discuss options without initiating a report. You can also offer to accompany them to the Police Department or Office of Title IX & Clery Compliance so that they can start the reporting process, if they want. Accompanying a friend can make a real difference in whether or not your friend seeks out support; sometimes taking that first step alone can be scary.
EMPOWER - At the core of any type of interpersonal violence is power and control. In these experiences, victims have had their power and control repeatedly taken from them. It is crucial that their choices be encouraged and supported. This means helping them regain that sense of power by allowing them to make their own decisions about what they want to do. This can be hard since we might want our friend to report to police or tell their RA. However, they might not be ready to do that and it needs to be their decision.
RESPECT - Assure your friend that you understand and respect their decisions - the ones that they made during the incident and in the aftermath - and that you will respect their privacy. In order to help, you need to acknowledge how scary it can be to tell someone this happened and how dangerous it could be for that person if you were to tell other people. It’s normal for you to want to talk about the situation and get support for yourself, but do so in a confidential manner with a CARE Advocate or Counselor from the Counseling Center in order to maintain your friend’s privacy.
REFRAIN - Don't panic or show too much emotion as that may make them feel compelled to comfort you. Avoid blaming them or asking too many questions, which can often feel as if they are being blamed, regardless of the intent. Finally, it is helpful to avoid making promises even if we want to assure them that things will be OK. We don't know what will happen and broken promises can further erode their trust.
NO MORE VIOLENCE- Many people feel angry and want to attack or confront the harm-doer. While we understand possible feelings of anger and frustration, those reactions won't help your loved one's recovery and can often make things worse for them. The aggression can be a trigger for your loved one and can even result in the harm-doer retaliating. For the safety and peace of mind of your loved one, we recommend that you end the cycle of violence and process your emotions in a safe way.
Even if no one close to you has been impacted by interpersonal violence, you have the opportunity to join those who are concerned about these issues.
If you want more information on how to help others, the CARE office has specific trainings on bystander intervention and how to support survivors. Contact CARE at 910.962.2273 or care@uncw.edu to request a program or get involved.